From Collective Care to Modern Isolation

The Disappearance of the Village Concept in Modern Motherhood

“Parents have this terrible misconception today, and mothers especially, that they are supposed to be everything, do everything and provide everything for their babies — that's what a good mother does — but a good mother always had a network, and matter of fact, when you had a baby, you were a babied as much as you were babying the baby." - Dr. Harvey Karp, pediatrician and Founder & CEO of Happiest Baby. 

In the not-so-distant past, the concept of a "village" played a central role in supporting new mothers. This intricate web of familial and communal connections ensured that a mother was never alone in her journey. However, contemporary society has seen a profound shift away from this communal approach. The nuclear family has emerged as the norm, and the idea of self-reliance has taken precedence over shared caregiving. The question arises: Is the nuclear family the downfall of modern motherhood?

The Modern Paradox: Setting Boundaries or Embracing Support?

Navigating the Postpartum Bubble

In today’s modern world, when (or should I say if) we talk about preparing for postpartum, it most often revolves around setting boundaries in postpartum to protect the health and well-being of ourselves and our newborns. I was sitting in my prenatal education class in an air-conditioned office nestled into the sprawling urban suburban cookie cutter houses outside of San Francisco with other women of varying stages of pregnancy as we discussed in serious tones visiting rights after birth. Who would be allowed at the birth? Who would be allowed to visit after birth at the hospital? And most importantly who would be allowed to enter our homes afterwards and when exactly would we open those doors?  Once allowed inside, would we let them hold the baby or would we just let them look as baby remained in our arms. Would we need to remind them to wash or sanitize their hands before holding the baby and how would we do that without offending them? Would we set specific visiting times via text before they showed up - we would love to see you between 10 AM and 11 AM on Wednesday or Thursday? And what would be the polite way to ask the visitors to leave if they were overstaying their welcome? 

As the questions kept coming, all of the expecting moms, notepads teetering on top of their bellies, frantically scribbled notes which we would then take home and study religiously before applying to our own potential visitors (“Remember, friendly, but firm,” the instructor advised). My panic begins to grow. 

One woman, practicing her baby wearing technique with a realistic infant-like doll tucked into a 50 yard wrap that seemed to be looped endlessly around her large belly like a giant boa constrictor, says, “My plan is just to wear my baby in this,” indicating to the fabric she was swaddled in. “Whenever I have visitors or have to go to family events during those first few weeks, I’ll wear this so it’s basically impossible for anyone else to hold him. I’ll say he’s sleeping or feeding or too comfy in here.” She smiled with confidence as if she had stumbled upon the ultimate solution that would keep her baby safe from all of the potential baby snatchers. That evening at home, I immediately went online and purchased 5 different types of baby carriers. 

It seemed the mindset was to keep our babies to ourselves and do whatever we could to ensure they didn’t get into the hands of another human being. In the same way we were transforming from woman to mother, our friends and family members were simultaneously morphing into dangerous strangers who couldn’t be trusted with a baby.  

When people asked to come see the baby after the birth of my first baby within the first couple of weeks, I balked. I needed to get the house in order, pick up groceries so there were hors d'oeuvres provided while we chatted, blow out my hair, find clothing that made me look put together, while not exposing my postpartum belly that still looked five months pregnant (despite Kourtney Kardashian’s postpartum cover shoot in the grocery aisle promising me it would not) , and frantically questioned my husband how I would approach asking them to wash their hands without offending them. And then there was the whole issue of breastfeeding in front of my husband’s friends, a group of young and single twenty-something males that had no doubt never seen someone breastfeed before, and probably didn’t quite realize what breasts were actually made for. The entire idea of letting people in and popping that intimate newborn bubble, all while maintaining a façade of my pre-birth self, brewed a steady storm of stress and unease.

We’re told that these boundaries that we put up will protect our mental health, and our newborn’s health…but what if we are going about this all wrong? If we are so focused on boundaries and the belief that we can do it all on our own, how can we ever accept and invite the help and support that we so desperately need during this time? Are we inadvertently isolating ourselves from the support network we so desperately need?

After relenting on some of these strict visitor laws during my third birth - I even let a student midwife into my upturned house to hold my freshly born baby without batting an eye - I realised that having help during the postpartum and actually letting people in during this time wasn’t the end of the world, and in many households around the world, it’s the complete opposite - help and support are fully embraced in those early days and weeks after birth.